Chapter 28—To the Very Limits of Your Strength

And just like that, their mission was over. With Alma, they journeyed to Melek the next day, where they met a friend of Alma’s. Amulek was very hospitable and overjoyed to see them, but there was little time for reminiscing. The letter had reached Zarahemla and the Nephites had already agreed to give the land of Jershon to the Anti-Nephi-Lehies. While Ammon and Aaron were especially anxious to get back to their families, Alma gave another reason for haste. South of Jershon in the East Wilderness were groups not always friendly with the Nephites. One group, the Zoramites, had recently settled there and Ammon was unsure about how friendly relations would stay.

Himni listened to the discussion during their evening meal without saying anything. He did not want to take Abish back into the wilderness. She was exhausted. It was true she hadn’t had another break down like that terrible night weeks ago, but their travel had been hard and their days long. Anxious to show him that she was doing fine, she helped equally with the other women in preparing food and seeing to the running of their small camp. She often helped with the children, even carrying the baby for her sister-in-law at times. The only time in his life he remembered worrying so much was the weeks during his brother’s imprisonment. He tried to remind himself that the outcome would be equally positive and that even suffering had its purpose. Just as in those long, waiting weeks outside the city of Middoni he felt powerless.

Mercifully, Amulek found a quiet spot for Abish to make her bed that night and Himni felt better after he saw her resting. He gathered again with the men who were still making plans and decisions. It was likely the whole group would break up tomorrow and all seemed anxious to share their stories of the past decade. Amulek’s conversion story was truly remarkable. Aaron told of his imprisonment and how he came to be the husband of a queen. Ammon told about the day of the massacre and the death of a true friend. Omner told of the soldiers throwing down their weapons and joining the church. In spite of his impatience to make decisions, Himni couldn’t help but share the story of a young slave-girl who prayed Ammon to Lamoni’s household.

It was very early in the morning before decisions were finally reached. As Alma made new assignments, Himni breathed a sigh of relief when the prophet said, “Himni, you will stay here, at least until your wife is delivered and recovered. Amulek and Shona have offered this place as long as you need. Your brothers will lead the Ammonites to Jershon, but for now your role is to your family.”

Tears sprang to Himni’s eyes and he smiled slowly. He could do nothing but clap Alma on the arm and thank him. Alma smiled and turned away quickly, “Well, it is settled then. I was on my way to Manti, and need to conduct my business there, but I will be back in Zarahemla by the end of the month. You should get to Jershon the same time. I will send my men with word back to the capital about the forming plans. You have many women—widows—in your group; I will request that a group of soldiers go with one of our best commanders to help get everyone settled and provide protection. Your people will need much support until a crop can go in the ground next spring. Our cold season is short, but it will soon be upon us.” Himni was grateful for the sound and careful plans that would provide for so many, but mostly he was grateful for the rest his wife would enjoy for a time.


Abish stared at the ceiling. Sleep did not come easily these days, but she had to admit that the last several weeks had been the best of pregnancy so far. Despite her ever-increasing size, she felt rested and even pampered—a state with which she was wholly unfamiliar. Other than living in a home that wasn’t their own, their lives, for the first time in years were suddenly very normal. Himni worked each day in Amulek’s large garden, helping to gather the plants that would see them through the winter. He also spent part of many days hunting. Amulek’s wife taught Abish a technique for curing raw meats, making them sweet so they could be eaten later in the winter. She explained that the original Nephite women had learned this method in the old world and passed on through generations. She learned how to cook and prepare Nephite food and how to behave according to new customs and a keep a stricter observance of the Law of Moses.

Mostly she waited. For the first time in many years she felt still, deeply still. She prayed earnestly and memorized passages of scriptures. She learned them slowly so that she might understand their meaning as well. She practiced speaking the Nephite language with Amulek and his wife who often teased Himni for how heavily accented his own speech had become.

“Himni?” She said softly into the darkness, knowing he was probably asleep, but suddenly wanting to tell him something very much.

Without even missing a beat he said, “Yes dear,” in a completely normal, non-sleepy voice.

“I thought you would be asleep.”

“Then why are you talking to me?” He teased as he rolled up on to one arm.

She lay sideways facing him. “I love you.”

He made a face, “That’s it?”

She could see he was teasing again and smiled, “Sorry, no earth shattering revelation, just that I love you. Thank you for bringing me here—even when we weren’t sure it was the right thing.”

He laid his hand on her abdomen. The baby squirmed and wriggled under his father’s touch. He smiled. “It did turn out to be the right thing. I am glad we have this slow time together before our son comes. We will have few times like this ever again.”

“It is true.”

“After the baby comes, do you think you would like to go to Zarahemla?”

“And not to Jershon?”

“Maybe just for a time. Alma told me that my family house is still in tact. It was one of my father’s last requests—that the house be maintained and cared for so that when his sons came back they would have a home. Even in death he never gave up on the Lord’s promise that we would be kept safe.”
“Is this what you want?”

He shrugged, “I am unsure. I want to see our people settled in Jershon, but I long to show you the place I was raised. Roads will soon be established between my father’s city and Ammonite lands. We could stay for a time and then decide what we want.”

“Let us see how we feel when the baby comes, but I think I would also like to see where you came from. Besides, ever since we met up with Alma I have felt strongly that it is time for a new start. In Jershon, things will be as they always have been.” She couldn’t help but touch the earlobe that never healed no matter how much she changed and grew. The people here never had known her as anything but Himni’s wife. There were no past memories or prejudices to cloud her way forward.

Himni nodded. “I feel the same way, but we do not have to decide right now.”


The Nephite winter was upon them, but mixed in with the cold and rainy days, there were also sunny and warm days. Abish knew her time was near, within a few weeks perhaps, but her body had given no sign the baby would come early. As with most women, when their time grew near, her feet swelled, particularly after a long day. On such days, Shona would insist that she rest and Himni would bring her as many buckets of fresh water as she could drink. The swelling always abated quickly with such queenly treatment. Abish remarked one lovely morning to Shona that she was spoiling her.

Shona laughed, “It is your turn, my dear. Himni has told Amulek, and my husband has told me of the many women you have delivered over the past many years. While you hardly seem much more than a child yourself, you have been the means of bringing kings and queens into this world. It is time for you to take a rest.”

“I appreciate it more than I can say.”

“I know, child; I see it in your face every time.” She smiled, and Abish imagined that Shona was a little bit like what her mother had become after she joined the church. Hardly disguising the chuckle in her voice, Shona added, “Besides, there will be precious little time to take care of yourself when the baby comes. Take advantage of your last days of queenly treatement while you still can.”

That day had been a good day, but the few days following were stormy and dark and Abish had raging headaches. With the headaches, her sickness returned, and the mood in Amulek’s home became somber. Abish fought the blurry vision her pains brought on and knew she had seen such symptoms in other women. She prayed the baby would come soon. She believed it was not too early for the baby to be healthy and it was the only way to stop the other problems she was having.

After three days in bed, the sun came out and Abish felt better. She had been allowed to sleep late in the beautiful, fresh morning. When she woke, the house was still, and Abish remembered that Himni had church business with Amulek that day, and the mistress of the house always spent this day of the week shopping and visiting. There would be no one to lecture her about not doing anything strenuous, and it was a beautiful day. Just as she was fond of telling all the mothers she had delivered over the years, “You aren’t sick, just pregnant.” She admonished them to take it easy when they felt tired, but mostly she encouraged them to do all their normal tasks. Indeed, what choice did women really have? So today, she would let nobody tell her to be lazy and she would, instead, go for a walk in the meadow near the river.

Her pace wasn’t quick, but it didn’t matter. It was nice to have no where to go and no obligations. She marveled at the beauty she found such a short distance from Amulek’s home, and by the time she began to feel tired she realized she had gone much further than expected. She had not left the forested side of the river and knew that finding her way back would not be difficult, but she was suddenly exhausted. In addition, she felt her headache coming back on. Taking a large drink of water, she found a sunny patch of meadow and spread herself out to take a short nap before setting out again. Even in the sun it was just barely warm enough, but as she snuggled into her robe, she felt the peace of sound sleep come upon her.

The voice in her dream was from a long ago past, but she couldn’t place it. Was it her mother’s maybe? The voice was scolding her for staying in bed too long when there was so much to be done. She listened to the voice vaguely wondering if she should do as it said, when she felt a horrible jabbing sensation grip and release her lower abdomen.

She sat bolt upright, wide awake in just a moment, although the pounding behind her eyes had worsened and she found focusing nearly impossible. It was as though someone had kicked her. And the pain came again, stronger and more prolonged. She pulled herself onto her knees, trying to stand very slowly so she wouldn’t pass out. Had her walk that day been strenuous enough to bring her labor? Before she could get to her feet, another pain racked her body, low and intense, radiating to her back. If this was labor, the pains were already close.

She was also very far from home.

The weather had changed. It was colder now and getting late in the day. The clouds were rolling in and she had seen this same winter sky for most of the past week. It was going to rain, and it would probably be soon.

She didn’t attempt to stand again, without something to hang on to when the pains came she might fall. Instead, she began crawling on all fours, keeping the river in sight at all times. As she moved onto her hands she saw that they were swollen and nearly red. Her feet felt tight in her sandals and the swelling was severe and painful. She moved ridiculously slow and after not many minutes, her hands were scratched and her arms and knees ached, but she hardly noticed the pain in her limbs for the incessant pressure behind her eyes.

The belly pain was still regular and sharp, but it didn’t seem to be coming any more frequently. If anything, the pains had spaced themselves just a little bit farther and more regularly. She began to sense when they would happen and she found a rhythm of breathing that helped her to cope her way through each one. Between times, she crawled and prayed for Himni to find her. She pleaded with the Lord to prompt him to look for her if he wasn’t; and if he was, then to lead him to the right place.

Abish didn’t know how much time passed this way. The wind picked up, and although she hadn’t gotten too cold yet because of her exertions, she knew it was only a matter of time. The thin scratches on her hands cracked and bled, so she tried to stand. Just as she did, another pain came, sudden and sharp. As predicted, with nothing to hang on to, she fell to the ground.

It was about this time the first drops of rain fell. Although the trees near the forest protected her somewhat from the onslaught, she was wet and cold in a matter of minutes. Her blurry vision was further impeded by the storm raging around her. She was unable to stop berating herself for her series of mistakes this day, even knowing that it was useless.

She had been wet for several minutes, but hadn’t started to shiver too violently yet when she heard her name, loud and strong above the storm. At first she thought she was only imagining it, so she paused a moment and listened. “Abish!” It was Himni.

She sucked in a huge breath and yelled his name as loudly as she could. He called again; she was unsure if he had heard her or not, but his voice too was near the river. In the darkness the storm had caused, it would be possible for them to pass each other and not even know it. She prayed for strength and waited for the next pain to pass. She pushed to her feet, knowing she had a minute or two to run before the next pain came.

Or if not run, at least she could stumble along the slippery ground. She heard him again. He was definitely closer. She paused to catch her breath near a large tree and called his name as soon as she had the breath to do it. Only the first syllable squeaked out, the rest was drowned in a clap of thunder and the beginning of her next labor pain. She gripped the tree as well as she could to stop a fall this time and slid slowly to her knees. This one was much worse, her sudden movement had progressed her labor.

“Himni!” She screamed into the darkening direction in which she had last heard him call her name.

Then he was there, emerging from the darkness, like an angel himself. “Abish!” The word ripped from his throat and he was to her side in a moment holding her tightly. She had never been so glad to see another human in her life. His voice choked with emotion, “Are you hurt?”

She shook her head, the weight of her foolish choices overwhelming her, “I’m having a baby.”

His eyes grew wide, “Not here, not like this.”

She smiled wanly, “I’m afraid so.”

“Will we make it back?”

“I don’t know—I’m new at this.”

“What happened?” His concern was so evident and she tried again to smile, but another pain shot through her legs and back and she gripped his arms tightly, this time letting a small groan escape. They were definitely getting worse. The contraction passed and she explained briefly. “How long have you been out here?” He asked.

She shrugged, “Maybe two hours. It is hard to say, the storm began rolling in while I rested and it became dark early. It is difficult for me to say how long I have been trying to get back, or even how long it took for me to wander this far to begin with.” She rambled her explanation as she looked around to try and get her bearings, but it was all inky darkness and the rain was still coming hard. “How close are we to home?”

“Close.”

They slowly made their way back, and though they were close, it was nearly an hour before they reached Amulek’s house. They stopped frequently; her pains were only a minute or two apart now and seemed to be getting longer. Himni tried carrying her, but the ground was slick and his footing was bad. By the time they made it, Abish was nearly incoherent from the pain and she was freezing. Himni had covered her with his heavy coat, but she couldn’t control the shivers. The swelling in her feet and head was increasing all the time and she felt certain that something was going to explode from all the pressure. Her heart felt as thought it would beat out of her chest with each new pain and she could feel the blood pulsing wildly through her veins.

Shona’s eyes were wide with horror when she saw the state of her young guest. She stoked the fire, sent Amulek for the midwife and began warming water all within a minute. While it was customary for men to leave such things entirely to women, Abish clung to Himni, unwilling to let him go. He stroked her hair and said her name as he held her through the pains.


The terror gripped Himni’s heart and seemed to squeeze every time the waves of pain swept over his wife. When she had been more coherent she had talked of her back hurting, and he saw that rubbing and putting pressure on the small of her back, did help her to relax slightly. He had seen the tight line of Shona’s lips as he had helped Abish into clean clothing. He couldn’t tell if her lips were pursed with worry over his wife’s condition, or if she disapproved of his familiarity with his wife. It didn’t matter; he had no idea what was normal, but he was not leaving her.

He had hoped that Abish would look a little better after her clothes were changed and she began to warm up, but if anything it became more difficult to help her focus. He only knew what she had told him of birth, but it had been enough for him to believe that she needed to take a more active role than she was. Abish had often said that her hardest working mothers had the best births. It seemed instead that Abish was allowing the birth to happen to her. Her eyes grew wild with pain and terror so often that he was unsure how coherent she really was.

The midwife agreed. A short, stout, and businesslike woman she immediately assessed the situation and pronounced Abish to have a fever. She hadn’t been in the house five minutes when his wife had the first in a series of several short seizures. He remembered vaguely that Abish had once told him of such a thing occasionally happening to women. She gave them something for it, but he couldn’t remember. Some kind of herb. Or was it a mineral?

While he was trying to concentrate on what she had once told him the midwife said, “Very dangerous. Very dangerous.” She shook her head and muttered as she worked over his wife. More directly she looked at him and said accusingly, “How could this have happened?”

Before Himni could explain, another low moan escaped and he stood behind his darling, allowing the full weight of her body to lean into his. He murmured into her hair while he vaguely heard Shona tell the midwife of his wife’s day. Abish’s body finally relaxed into his after several seconds and he held her tightly.

“I thought this girl had once been a midwife. Why did she go out on such a day? Why did she?” The little woman addressed her words to Shona, spreading the blame to her as well.

Himni fought uncharacteristic impatience. “The situation is what it is. Can you help my wife to birth this baby or not?”

She turned on him, “Of course I can, young man. But you will not be welcome if you cannot keep a civil tongue in your mouth. A civil tongue.”

Himni felt immediate chagrin. She might be a tyrant, but he certainly did not want to be kicked out either. Shona’s words were soothing, “We will certainly do all we can, and the girl seems to do better with her husband.”

The midwife humpffed and murmured, “I’ve never seen anything like it. Never.” Himni pretended not to hear—at least she hadn’t made him leave.

It was a very long night. Sometime after midnight, Himni overheard the midwife ask Amulek to find a nurse. She had glanced sideways at Himni when she said it. Himni pretended not to hear. Abish had once told him about asking a husband to find a nurse in the middle of the night before a birth was complete. A midwife only made such a request if she believed the baby might come healthy, but the mother herself would not be. That had been a long night; Abish’s premonition had been correct. The mother died at dawn and the healthy baby was adopted into a new family that could care for him by noon.

He rubbed harder against her back and fought the tears that threatened to spill. Not long after Amulek’s departure, Abish came to herself for several minutes. The midwife had given her some mild herbs and her fever had abated, but nothing had been done for the seizures. She leaned against him, exhausted and whispered, “Himni?”

He was startled to hear his name. He had wondered if she was aware that he was there. “Yes?”

“I’m glad you’re here. Don’t leave; no matter what.”

“I won’t; I promise.”

She touched his face, “Dear man, I can always count on you.”

Just then her face lost color and her fingernails dug into his arms. He looked at her in the eye and willed her to stay with him as he spoke to her and told her to breathe in and out. After several seconds he said, “There, all done for now.”

She slumped against him again, “This is not normal.”

“Shh . . . everything is fine.”

“Himni, please listen, it is hard for me to concentrate.” He was silent and she continued, “My pains have been too close together for too long. My body should have made more progress. If it can’t progress then it will shut down. And with these headaches and the swelling. . . have I had a seizure yet?”

Himni nodded, wanting to argue with her negative prognosis, but she was certainly the expert in this field. She continued, “In my bag, I took some of my most precious medicines with me. There is small leather pouch with gray powder in it. Mix it with some hot water until it dissolves and make me take it. But it may be too late for me if there have been multiple seizures.”

There had been four, and so he had to interrupt before she said the words that he could not bear to hear, “Abish don’t.”

She growled, “Listen. This baby has to survive. Whatever else happens to me. This baby is the thing. He is our future. I think he will; I feel him struggle inside of me. If I die, you must do whatever it takes to keep him close to you.”

“Stop talking this way.” Himni was angry as he gripped her arms, “Didn’t Ammon promise us children and posterity? There is more life for us. You stay with me.”

Abish thought her heart would break, “I will try, my darling, I will try. Armac is to be his name.”

“Then you will name him when he lies in your arms in just a few short hours.”

She opened her mouth to reply, but a new wave of pain swept over her and Himni held her. The next several came in such close succession that she had little time between, and there was not time to speak. After the series, she began to drift from him again with her vacant, un-focusing eyes, and into the place where he couldn’t touch or find her.

The powder he made for her did stop the seizures, although the other strange symptoms she had spoken of did not abate. In all the years of his life he would never forget the way she went limp in his arms time after time after her body would try to push the baby out. He kept pressing his head to her chest to hear the heartbeat that would tell him that she was still there. And every time, he could hear it pounding so hard that it was if she had just run a footrace. The promised boy was finally born near dawn—small, but surprisingly healthy. Abish on the other hand, had not fared well. Her skin was waxy and pale, nearly as white as Himni’s own. Her eyes were wild and unseeing, and then the blood loss began.


Through a fog of pain and blurry images Abish screamed as she felt her body being wrenched in two. There was a momentary respite and then she spun down a dark corridor as the rest of her insides felt like they were spilling out through the opening wrought by the baby.

After her insides came all of her fluids.

The world spun until Abish felt she would be sick, but there was nothing left to throw up.

Spinning in a sea of pain and despair, everything went dark.

There was no pain, no sorrow, no worry, just an empty blackness devoid of any feeling.

Suddenly she was surrounded by glorious whiteness instead of the dark and in the absence of feeling there was only remarkable joy and completeness. She walked toward the source of the light with easy, buoyant strides. She could see no others in the lightness, but she did not feel alone. She felt surrounded by other beings like herself full of love and light, heading toward the source of the illumination.

“Abish, come back to us.” A gentle voice chided from the darkness she had left behind. She listened. The voice was vaguely familiar, but she could not give a name to the speaker. “Abish,” the gentle admonition came again, “Your work is not yet done.”

She paused, feeling the surging mass of spiritual energy move forward without her, but not yet willing to turn back either. How did she know that voice? Oh that I were an angel . . .

And then another voice spoke, this one coming from above her, the source of the Light. “My prophet is right, dear daughter; I will one day gladly take you home to my heart, but today is not that day. There is work to be done yet.”

Two voices saying the same thing should have made it easy, but still she stood between the glorious light and the black abyss, unable to decide which direction to go.

Once more the gentle chiding and the touch on her shoulder that sent such a thrill of joy through her that she longed to be embraced, “I love you. More than you have yet understood, but today is not that day. Go back to your family, Abish.” She looked to the Lord of Heaven as he spoke her name, but before she could ask him why He would not let her stay, the light around her was suddenly and terribly quenched and there was only darkness.

The pain engulfed her as her tired body collapsed into strong hands.

She knew not how long she spent in the darkness. As miserable as it was, every time she felt as though she really re-entered herself there was pain that was indescribable. If she stayed in the dark place then it was easier.

She heard a voice in the darkness at her side. She knew this voice as well as her own, “My Love, did Alma call you back to us only to have you never return to yourself?” The thought of Himni mourning for her nearly broke her heart. The emotional pain in her chest was surprising, she hadn’t thought to ever feel anything touch her heart this way again. And although the feeling was not one of happiness, it was a feeling. Somewhere, underneath the apathy, she found the courage and the love to return to her life.
Her first sensation was of brief and terrible pain, but then she blinked, and saw Himni’s bowed head near her own. In that moment, she decided the pain could be borne and her body healed if only she could bring some light back to his eyes.

“Himni.” She whispered through thick lips.

His head immediately shot up and he looked at her. “Abish. Are you back?” His words came with all the feeling as if they had been separated by months and distance instead of in the same room. His eyes desperately sought her face, hoping for real recognition.

She smiled wanly, all she could muster. “Thirsty.” She squeaked next.

Himni ran for the water bucket so fast that it slopped all over him. She drained dipperful after dipperful. Finally, she trusted herself to speak in some kind of normal voice, “Is there a baby?”

“A beautiful baby boy.”

“Healthy?”

“Tiny, but growing. We have found a nurse for him.”

“I would like to see him.”

“Of course.” Himni smiled and embraced her gently. “Of course.”